When your adult kids begin to question or even abandon the faith they were raised in, it can feel like a punch in the gut. As parents, you’ve probably invested years of time, energy, and prayer into building a solid Christian foundation for them. Seeing them drift away can be disheartening, but don’t lose hope. Your role in their faith journey is not over, and there are ways you can support them without being overbearing or driving them further away.
While this article is geared towards adult children, nearly all of the advice offered will also apply to teens as well.
Understanding the Faith Journey of Adult Kids
Remember the Individual Journey
Each person’s faith journey is unique, but it is more than that. Just because your adult kids were raised in a Christian home doesn’t mean they will follow a prescribed path. Remember, spiritual formation is not a linear process, and it’s never-ending. It takes time, patience, and personal experiences for them to forge an authentic faith of their own.
The Role of Doubt and Questioning
Doubt and questioning are often part of the journey. While as parents we wish it would never happen, it is inevitable for a person to question what they believe and why they believe it. As an apologist, I encourage questions like this. Unfortunately, these doubts can sometimes lead to a process that has been called “deconstruction.”
What is “Deconstruction?”
“Deconstruction” became a bit of a buzzy term a few years ago and remains relatively popular. Social media was filled with people who were “deconstructing” their faith.
In attempt to steel-man the definition, “deconstruction” describes individuals pulling apart their childhood beliefs in an attempt to discover what is real or true. Deconstruction was used predominately to describe a move from traditional to progressive expressions of Christianity, or even to outright atheism.
Christians who shifted from progressive views to traditional Christianity generally did not use the term “deconstruction.”
Deconstruction and Its Impact
Deconstruction has negative connotations as a result of the culture wars, but there are positive aspects. Some people deconstruct their faith and discover they never really knew God, and as a result, encounter the Holy Spirit for the first time. Others attempt to deconstruct their faith, and find that their beliefs were truly grounded. As a result, their faith is stronger.
However, all too often, when a person begins to question God, their doubts and cultural influences cause them to pull away from a relationship with Him. Sometimes they choose to reject their faith entirely.
Tips for Parents: Navigating Your Adult Kid’s Faith Struggles
Parenting adult kids who are wrestling with their faith can feel like walking on a tightrope. However, these tips can help you navigate this challenging terrain.
1 – Embrace God’s Sovereignty
God is sovereign in all situations. He cares for your child and will pursue their heart relentlessly. While you can guide and support, the final decision lies with your child under God’s sovereign hand. You cannot have faith for them – they are an adult, and ultimately, their faith is theirs.
2 – Keep Calm Amidst the Storm
Panicking won’t help the situation. Remember that God is in control. Take a deep breath and trust in His divine timing. This event might be a surprise to you, but it did not surprise God.
3 – Affirm Your Love for Them
Ensure your child knows they are loved by you and God. Regardless of their doubts or choices, they are loved. It is important for you to remember that with God, there is no “point of no return” for the length of their lives.
4 – Engage in Prayer
Prayer is a powerful tool. Pray for your child, pray for wisdom, and pray for patience. God listens to your pleas and will work in your child’s heart in His time and way. Also engage in prayer with pastors and Christian friends – both yours and your adult child’s Christian friends.
5 – Provide a Safe Space for Discussion
Be a safe haven for your child to share doubts, thoughts, and feelings. Respectful conversations and open-mindedness can go a long way.
6 – Listen More, Talk Less
In my experience, “deconstruction” often starts from a place where (whether rightly or wrongly) they did not feel they could express doubt or ask questions. It also has roots in a noble place: your child is thinking they want to know more about God.
Practice active listening skills. Try to understand their perspective and refrain from interrupting or imposing your views.
7 – Engage in Thoughtful Questions
Encourage your child to delve deeper into their thoughts by asking open-ended questions. This could help them explore their faith and beliefs in a new light.
However, don’t let close-ended questions go without a reply. Almost every question ever asked in doubt today has been answered by the great Christian theologians centuries before. Offer to help them seek an answer.
8 – Learn Together
Offer to learn alongside your child. This could involve reading a book, attending a seminar, or speaking with a pastor or Christian mentor.
9 – Apologize If Necessary
If there’s something you need to apologize for, do it. Demonstrating humility and seeking forgiveness can go a long way in healing your relationship. Repentance is not a sign of defeat or weakness, but of a heart seeking God.
10 – Model Your Faith
Live out your faith authentically. Your actions often speak louder than words. Let your life be a testament to your faith in Jesus.
A Prayer for Parents
Praying for your child is one of the most powerful ways to impact their lives. Here’s a simple prayer you can use:
Heavenly Father, surround my child with Your love. Guide them as they navigate their faith. As they question and seek, may they find You. Please grant me patience, wisdom, and a love that reflects Your love. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Remember, There’s Always Hope
No matter where your adult kids are on their faith journey, there’s always hope. God loves them more than you can imagine and has a plan for them. Continue to love, support, and pray for them, and remember that God is at work, even when it doesn’t seem like it.
Wrapping Up
Guiding adult kids through faith struggles can be challenging. As parents, you can feel helpless, but remember, your role in their faith journey is not over. By understanding their journey, being patient, providing a safe space for discussion, engaging in prayer, and modeling your faith, you can support your adult kids on their path. Remember, God is sovereign, and He is working in your child’s life in ways you may not see.
Parenting with Truth and Grace 
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